


The Secret Tardis Files

by RebelDrFerguson



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Drugs and rock and Roll, Drunken Shenanigans, Humor, Lots of other stuff, Millionaire Lifestyle, Multi, Secret Tardis Files, Sex, Shameless Smut, Time Babies, dad jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelDrFerguson/pseuds/RebelDrFerguson
Summary: Welcome To the Secret Tardis Files, here you’ll find the logs of everything The Doctor and his companions get up to when he’s not out saving the Universe!! WARNING: You Might Die Laughing.





	1. Money, Money, Money and...Bitches?

**Author's Note:**

> Osgood convinces Kate to tell the Doctor just how much money he owns and gives him a credit card. What will the Time Lord buy with millions of pounds? Shenanigans and a mass Companion party ensues! 
> 
> Note: BEWARE! No companions will have died, so all companions can appear in this fic!

* * *

 

“Sixty-Eight Million Pounds?”

 

Kate rolled her eyes and shoved the credit card she’d been holding out to The Doctor into his pocket.

 

“Yes, Doctor you own sixty-eight million pounds and I’m giving you access, it won’t bite you, just be careful with it, you still have to pay tax!” Kate sighed, pulling a face of confusion at Osgood who shrugged at why the alien had to pay tax on his money.

 

“But...but...b-” He stuttered confused, pulling out the card and admiring the shiny numbers and the Tardis picture printed on it. Natwest?

 

“But...what?” Kate asked wondering whether the concept of money was not even something he knew. Hell, maybe his people didn’t use money!

 

“What am I supposed to buy?!” He cried out, gawping like a goldfish and flapping an arm. “I don’t need a house...or a boat...or...well, I did like that Savile row tailors...I could get a new car, I don’t know what I did with Bessie!” He smiled, his eyes lighting up at all the options he had now.

 

Kate and Osgood sighed in relief, thank god, for a moment there they had begun to wonder if they’d have to teach him what money was!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, the Doctor found himself sat on a bench with his new suit in a bag, watching the world go by. What does a two thousand-year-old alien do with sixty-eight million pounds? Granted, that suit just cost him a grand, but it looked sexy as hell and a scary handsome genius from space such as himself needed to be fashionable right?

 

“I need coffee.” He muttered standing and grabbing the bag. “And...I need some help from a sassy lesbian!” He wandered off in the direction of his Tardis, planning to grab a Starbucks whilst dialling Bill’s number on his mobile.

 

“WAIT...whoa, hold up, you own sixty-eight million pounds?” Bill screeched down the phone, uncaring for the mug she had just dropped and had smashed on her mum’s kitchen floor.

 

The Doctor sighed over his espresso for the fifteenth time. “Yes, Bill, I own sixty-eight million pounds. Now, are you going to help me or-”

 

“Well DUH, Starbucks on Penn Street yeah? I’m coming...NOW. Oh my god...mum, my professor needs me, be back in a minute...!!!” She called, scrambling to get her coat on and diving for the door, leaving her mum sat on the living room sofa confused to fuck.

 

 

 

3 Espressos later, Bill stumbled through the Starbucks shop door, grinning like a maniac and clutching real estate booklets.

“Where have you been?!” The Doctor demanded, picking up a booklet as she plonked down into the chair in front of him.

 

“Getting some advice!” She smiled flicking quickly through one of the books to show him a page.

 

“Bill, I don’t need a - Oh” He grumbled but paused at the sight. The house on the page, or should we say mansion was dark blue, TARDIS BLUE!

 

“It’s been on the market a whole year the guy said. The owners are accepting any offers of over 2 million for it. It’s got 8 bedrooms, 3 kitchens, 5 bathrooms, indoor and outdoor pools, a rose garden, 3 games rooms and even garage parking space for six cars!” She hissed excitedly as he took the booklet, blinking in admiration.

 

But he frowned at the address. “Bill this says it’s in...Tuscany! That’s Italy, right?!”

Bill chuckled, “Yep, life in the sun away from all this noise and smoke and ‘pudding brains’, you’ll love it.”

 

The Doctor grimaced. His ship could provide all that...but...well, as President of Earth he guessed he should at least have somewhere he could ‘work’ from. He didn't have to live in it…

 

“You want to ring or...?” He smirked as Bill fumbled for her mobile.

 

“I got the guy on speed dial. Told him we’d take it at 2 million.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The real estate agents almost fainted when he pulled out his credit card and U.N.I.T ID.

 

The number of selfies he took with the staff made him feel like one of those LA supermodels who did porn!

 

“We can fly you out in the morning Mr President, the owners will be delighted to finally sell that place!” One of the women called across the room.

 

“Please, call me Doctor…” He winked back before looking around the room at the adverts for local homes on the walls.

“Any chance for a mansion here? Not that I need two homes, I just have work here…” He muttered, looking to Bill who nodded recalling that he'd have to visit U.N.I.T.

 

The staff jumped into action like a shot offering up numbers of real estate agents in London and private offers they had. Sadly none were blue like the Tardis but Bill said they could just paint the place.

 

 

London had some nice large homes available, nothing that interested him though. He was about to give up on the idea when he spotted an advert for a mansion in the countryside and he pointed it out to the staff member who was sat at the laptop with him.

 

“This one is in Somerset, offers open at one point eight million. It’s called eco-house, because it’s roof is mostly made of solar panels and has over an acre of land for animals and wildlife. It has a triple garage, outdoor pool, 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, a roof garden and greenhouse space.” She read out the information from the folder.

 

“Wooden panelling?” He asked, noting the wood on the outside of the building. She nodded. “Most of the house is constructed with renewable timbers.”

 

“We can paint it! The wood will look great in Tardis blue!” Bill suggested sipping her cup of tea. The Doctor seemed to agree and after several hours of mansion shopping they left the shop over 3 million pounds lighter and laughing about buying a jet!

 

* * *

 

 

“We’re going to need more help…” The Doctor said as they sat outside the fish shop munching a bag of chips each.

 

“Who was that girl you were travelling with again, the one with the boyfriend?” Bill asked brushing salt off her hands.

 

“Clara? She’s living with Danny now I think.” He pondered scratching his head.

 

“Give her a call, and that Kate too. They can’t expect you to spend all this by yourself, how about...Captain rules that all companions previous or current must attend a meeting when called?” She suggested, munching another chip.

 

 

The Time Lord's ears perked up at that.

“I could have a...what did you call it, when you got that old guy's house with your mates?... A something party?”

 

“A house party, with chinese food and music?” She laughed. “Come on Doctor, you have millions to spend, surely you can do better than cheap takeaways and itunes!”

 

The Doctor frowned. “Maybe I should call Clara…”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“SIXTY EIGHT MILLION POUNDS!” Danny yelled over excitedly as Clara jumped up and down whooping about Caribbean holidays and never having to work again.

 

The Doctor groaned and huffed down the phone. “Yes, PE, apparently I’m, what was it, Bill? ...Loaded? And I need to spend it...not all of it but, hey, I guess I need perks as President of this damn planet.”

 

“So where’s this mansion you're going to see?” Clara shouted to be heard over the speakerphone.

 

“It’s in Tuscany, were meeting the car at the U.N.I.T headquarters tomorrow to get the flights over there, on the Presidential plane? Wow Doctor talk about flashy…” Bill said screwing the cap back on her fanta.

 

The Doctor liked Fanta apparently, said it was the best fucking thing to drink but second to coffee.

 

Clara started ranting about packing suitcases and Danny then mentioned selling their flat and chaos rained.

 

“So...see you tomorrow then?” The Doctor asked, wondering if he needed to get an ambulance for the high pitched noises his ex-companion was making.

 

“WE’LL BE THERE.” They shouted together before hanging up, leaving Bill laughing in hysterics at the Doctor’s ‘What The Fuck’ duckling pout face.

 

 

 

Kate would be lying if she said she wasn't just a teeny bit excited about her flight today. In fact her heart was hammering so fast as she stood by the chauffeur driven limo the Time Lord had ordered to drive her to the airport, that she was unsure she’d be able to remain calm for much longer!  

 

She spun as she heard the sound of suitcase wheels on the pavement and spotted Osgood with her bags leading both Miss Oswald and her boyfriend Danny with their own suitcases and backpacks towards the limo.

 

“Oh my god , LIMO clara!” Danny laughed out loud clapping his hands as they stopped beside it.

 

“We’re living the high life now, companion privileges forever!” She cheered, high fiving Danny and Osgood.

 

Before Kate could speak up another car pulled up and The Doctor climbed out alongside Bill and one of the estate agent reps.

 

He donned his sonic glasses and struck a pose on the car acting as if he did this everyday. It was then that Kate noticed Bill was video blogging on her phone and laughing at the Time Lord’s antics.

 

“This is Doctor Disco signing off, see you in Tuscany pudding brains!” He called waving at the camera as Bill cut it off.

 

“The terms ‘Bitches’ Doctor.” Bill added with a smile.

 

“I prefer pudding brains” He grinned back at her.

 

“You're still using that name?” Clara said laughing and bouncing up to hug her Time Lord.

 

“Clara, come ‘ere baby!” He shouted grabbing her in a spinny hug and kissing her forehead.

 

“We ready to get bad ass with my good ass?” He shouts making Bill and Clara cringe and Danny facepalm like his dad just arrived. “Was that cool? I’m down with you guys, right?” The Doctor grins.

 

“Right, you're banned from listening to hip hop, we now know that.” Clara smirked, rolling her eyes and tugging at his shirt, fighting a giggle.

 

“We got everything yeah?” He asked, looking about and watching as the Chauffeur helped to pack all the luggage away in the boot.

 

“All ready to go, Doctor.” Kate said, unable to keep from smiling as he approached to hug her too.

 

He was still smiling like an idiot when he pulled back.

 

“How much have you spent?” She asked as they made for the limo.

 

“Just a bit. 2 mansions, got this limo and the driver cheap, got three new suits and a haircut...so yeah not much.”

 

“You’re an idiot.” She muttered as he opened the door for her.

 

“I think everyone already knows that.” He laughed as they climbed into the limo and Danny popped open the complimentary champagne.

 

“To Kate finally giving the Doctor his credit card.” Osgood smiled, making her boss roll her eyes.

“To companion privileges and being stinkin rich.” Clara added, making Danny snort.

“To the fact I now have no university debts or rent to pay!” Bill added laughing, thinking about her mum’s face last night when she came home and gave her a check for a year’s full rent.

 

“To the fact I now actually have to do my job again to keep it!” The Doctor grumbled playfully pulling an adorable grumpy cat face at Kate who just cracked up laughing.

 

Life for Team Tardis was about to get interesting.


	2. A Tuscan House Party and a Devil Wears Prada Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Tardis have arrived at the mansion but wait! who is that fair Queen of Evil on the veranda? I think it's the Doctor's new wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, this is crack, contains OOC-ness but I'm inside decent limits of character.
> 
>  
> 
> I think.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, guys! It’s ya girl Bill here, just logging in to show you the Presidential plane!” She calls out as she turns the camera over towards Osgood and Clara by the head table.

 

“And here’s Mr President of Earth himself, Hi Doctor!!” She zooms in on the Timelord who is happily stretched out on the sofa like a giant cat, he throws a peace sign at the camera before taking the can of Fanta Danny hands over. 

 

“So, this is Ben, Big Ben from Downing Real Estate in Bristol, that’s where my Uni is, shoutout to Bristol Uni, where are we off to, Ben?” Bill asks the estate agent representative who is sat on the sofa across from the Timelord who is holding the brochures.

 

Ben waves at the camera before flipping the folder open. “We, are heading to Tuscany, to a lovely mansion just outside of Pisa!”

 

“That’s where that tower is right?” Danny asks from behind the camera somewhere and Ben nods.

 

“Aye, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the marble bell tower!” Ben smiles back, his eyes lighting up as the Doctor starts going on about the building’s history. 

 

“Doctor- how do you know so much about it?” Bill asks turning around, cutting him off in his mid-rant about Italian architecture. 

 

“I met the Pisano brothers at some point...can’t recall when, they’d nicked the design off some other guy they met in the local bar, gave it some tweaks and passed it off as their own. Dio was his name I think...Diotisalvi” He smirked to the camera sipping his fanta. 

 

“Take that History teacher's!” 

 

Bill snorted and Clara asked for the mansion pictures. 

 

“Doctor, your phones ringing” Osgood called from the table and Bill turned the camera to show her holding up the buzzing mobile. 

 

“Put it on silent, I’m enjoying my flight, without Cybermen this time!” He huffed. “Anyone got peanuts?” He blurted out and Kate could be heard asking a guard to fetch the snacks trolley. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The car ride to the mansion from the airport was rather uneventful unless you counted the 6 pairs of shades, the crate of wine and the twenty boxes of aftershave The Doctor had bought at the Airport’s duty-free to be eventful.

 

Someone was awaiting them at the mansion and it wasn't the owners. 

 

“My, my, Doctor...how lovely it is to see you’re finally getting some payback for saving these apes.” Missy cooed from her spot on the front garden terrace. 

 

“MISSY!!” Was the collective shout from all but Ben the estate agent. 

 

“Yes, *insert evil laughter* it is I...the most beautiful creature to grace this planet and you’ll not deny such a fact unless you fancy your heads on a stick.” She smirked, pointing a rather sharpened stick towards Osgood. 

“But I’ll save you two...you’ll be fun to play with.” She smiled at Bill and Clara making The Doctor storm forward and stand in front of his companions. 

 

“What are you wanting?” The Doctor huffed folding his arms, unwilling to let himself go to mush and think about her boobs under her icy blue gaze. 

 

“Why, companion privileges of course...I mean...I WAS your first…” She sniggered, winking towards the Time Lord before wandering into the house. “Come on...lots to see and bedrooms to choose, and by god, this place needs some re-designing...I think, black, lots of black and purple!” 

 

 

The mansion was beautifully built, Missy had already claimed her bedroom, the official master bedroom, to which next door she’d declared her Doctor’s. 

The Timelord was a little nervous to see they had an adjoining door between them. He’d have to set traps. 

 

Danny found the outdoor pool cooling. Though only because the Doctor told Missy he was a PE teacher to see what she’d do and then lost his shit in hysterics when she shoved Danny in the pool yelling at him to show off his hot bod. Clara was not amused. 

 

As they gathered on the balcony, Clara asked the Doctor if he was going to give Missy any money.

 

“I have a plan to send her running” He winked, straightening his collar as the female Time Lord sashayed over.  

 

“Another toast?” Bill asked appearing with two more bottles of champagne and Danny and Ben in tow, holding glasses. 

 

“To the fact that I do not now need an excuse for a week in the sun.” Kate laughed, throwing back her glass of champagne as Osgood spat hers out laughing.

 

“To the fact, I’m the President's first lady” Missy purred snuggling into the Doctor’s side. 

 

The Doctor snorted. “What was that term Bill? ...oh right, Bitch, marry me and have my babies then you can have my bank details…” He smirked looking back to Bill who gave him the thumbs up. 

 

Missy smirked back making the Doctor sweatdrop. “Deal” she pecked him on the lips to seal the offer.

 

“To the fact, the Doctor’s plan just blew up in his face and is going to marry his worst enemy.” Danny sniggered. 

 

“To the fact, you don’t know how awesome of a housewife I’m about to be, monkey man, CHEERS!” Missy countered, lifting her glass as Clara and Bill and Ben chimed in. 

 

“I’m not marrying you” The Doctor grumbled, staring down his nose at the female Timelord who was snuggled into his side. 

 

“Oh, you will if you want this planet intact mate…” 

 

The Doctor paused to consider his options but from the look on all the human's faces, he didn't have any to consider.

 

“So...when we doing this?” He asked nervously, gulping back a second glass of champagne. 

 

“Tonight, I have the whole thing pre-planned, we’ll have a full-on white wedding in the back garden, and you’ll have to wear a kilt.” She smiled, running a hair up the inside of his jacket making him shiver.

 

 

“But, but I’m not really Scottish…” He protested, wincing at the idea of showing off his legs. 

 

“Doesn’t matter, the accent is enough, you're wearing a kilt” She growled leaning up to kiss his nose. “Anyhooow...don’t you finally want to get one up, over on me hmm?” She asked sweetly, fluttering her eyelashes at her innuendo which the Doctor clearly didn't grasp until Clara whispered in his ear.

 

“Oh!...oh….oh…..no...well….I guess...WHAT??!” He floundered, glaring back at his gawping companions. 

 

“She tried to kill me, with a Dalek!” Clara complained.

 

“Oh, so what...you’re here are you not….chill, bitch.” Missy huffed, folding her arms and staring out at the mountain views. 

 

“I wish you were a man again” The Doctor sighed loudly and Missy raised an eyebrow. 

“Want to tell me something Theta?” She purred, an evil glint in her eye and the Doctor backtracked his words at the sight of Kate’s ‘Hoe don’t tell me’ face. 

 

“I knew you always liked my beard.” Missy teased, making the Doctor and Danny shudder and Bill to escort a completely confused estate agent rep to the front door before he ended up being lasered. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

“How long have you planned this?!” the Doctor hissed to the Mistress quietly as they stood at the altar. 

 

The back garden was dressed in an array of white lilies and black roses, a heavy red carpet running down the middle between rows of silver chairs. 

 

Missy was immaculately dressed in a fantastic white silk gown, her train decorated with masses of doubled up velvet love hearts. 

 

“Since I met you…” she answered back smiling as the priest began to read out their vows.

 

“Are they Prada heels?” He suddenly asked looking down to her feet.

 

“Yes! Now hush, here comes the good bit!” Missy shushed him excitedly as the priest settled. 

 

“Mistress, do you take The Doctor to be your lawfully wedded...er, what...oh ‘TimeTravelling Disco Baby daddy?” 

 

“I do!!” She squealed, making The Doctor look back over his shoulder to Clara for support. 

 

“Doctor, do you take the Mistress to be your lawfully wedded,...oh my...Queen of all ultimate evil?” the priest seemed very confused.

 

The Doctor looked back to the confused old man in his white dog collar and shrugged. “I think so.”

 

“If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

 

“It’s an open marriage right?!” Clara yelled from the back row. Danny seemed shocked at this outburst. 

 

“YES!” The Time lord and Lady shouted in unison to which Clara whooped in delight. Danny was now very displeased. 

 

With a sigh the priest shut his bible. “You may now kiss the bride” 

 

Missy grabbed hold of the Doctor’s jacket lapels and began to snog the life out of him as they fell to the floor. 

 

They never noticed The Brigadier, Jack, Ianto, Gwen or even Donna and her family having turned up for the wedding. 

 

“I think that champagne’s gone to my head.” Danny complained quietly amidst the clapping. But no one heard him. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone spot my Queen Victoria joke?
> 
> Up Next: 
> 
> Chapter 3 - The Tale Of The Cherry Popping Dad Dance ->  
> Contains Drunk Doctor, Time Babies and Jack Harkness, Stripping. You have been warned.


	3. The Tale Of The Cherry Popping Dad Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wedding party is in full swing, everyone's here? Are you?

* * *

 

The after party was in full swing by the time The Doctor had managed to escape Missy and climb out of his tuxedo into something less James Fucking Penguin.

 

Just as he was leaving his bedroom his phone rang.

 

“Doctor where the hell are you?” Nardole shouted down the line making the Timelord laugh out loud. He’d forgotten about the cy-dork.

 

“In Tuscany...where else?” He smirked, “I bought a mansion.”

 

“You-you bought a what? WHY?” Nardole shrieked, running around the console trying to pinpoint his master’s location.

 

“Because, I’m rich you pudding brain and this is what rich people do…” The Doctor replied waving away the cheers of the crowd that was now partying in the 12 seater dining room. He was surprised to notice, Davros up behind the DJ decks which had appeared out of nowhere and the Supreme Dalek who was covered in fairy lights and spinning around, his gun and sink plunger replaced by flashing glow sticks. Who’d have guessed the one armed megalomaniac was so good as a Disk Jockey.

 

“Doctor where ar-”

“Hang on bot for brains- WOOHOO YEAH SHAKE IT, DONNA!” The Doctor catcalled supportively as he watched his ginger-haired companion begin table dancing to Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO with Clara’s gran.

 

It was only then did he hear the grinding of his ship and spotted it appearing on the right beside the home bar. Oh, Nardole must have found them.

Nardole plodded out of the Tardis in a huff making for the Timelord. “You could have told me.” He said folding his arms and admiring the scene around him. “Good god, who is that lovely piece?” He asks as he spots Clara’s gran whipping her skirt off over the Brigadier’s head!

 

“Grab a drink and join the party...that’s what they’re for, right? Oh and make sure you clean up!” The Doctor chortled as he shuffled away from his cyborg nanny only to spot Clara coming out of the Tardis.

 

He whirled round as Clara passed him carrying beers back to one of the tables. “Have you seen Missy?” He asked.

“She’s manning the Tardis bar! You should go try her cocktails, she’s a freaking genius.” Clara smiled making for Danny and Adrian at her table.

 

The Doctor turned to enter the Tardis when he spotted Osgood in a bikini carrying jello shots on a tray. For a broad lass she certainly looked fantastic, the Doctor thought as he admired her breasts.

 

“You seen Kate?” He asked when she broke out the inhaler.

“She’s upstairs on the balcony with Jamie, said something about trying herself a real Scotsman?”

 

The Doctor could only assume that meant playing tonsil tennis with his companion. Jamie was always a sucker for a blonde.

 

_“Don’t you know that you’re toxic, and I love what you do, don’t you know that you’re toxic.”_

 

Entering the Tardis he spotted Missy dancing around the central console (to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance) which now had a large wooden bar built around it and several people sat on stools chatting happily as disco lights flashed to light up the walls. One pair he noticed were Jack and Ianto doing what could only be Tequilla shots, and then to their immediate left sat Captain Yates with Sergeant Benson sipping colourful cocktails and munching on a bowl of wasabi nuts.

 

“Doctor!” Jack called reaching out to wave the Time Lord closer. “What you got planned for the ‘after’ after private party?” He smirked, making Ianto blush.

 

The Doctor paused to consider, he’d not planned any of this and quite frankly he was amazed how so many decorations and the DJ decks had even appeared.

 

“I don’t know...got any ideas?” He asked the immortal who just laughed.

 

“Sure Doc, leave it to me. We’ll meet you and your ‘Entourage’ at midnight.” Jack offered, raising his glass and then downing it.

 

“Fancy a Time Lady, husband?” Missy teased, sliding across a purple coloured cocktail to the Doctor. She was dressed in a full leather catsuit, which included painted whiskers and fluffy ears.

 

The Doctor shrugged, why not and sat down taking a sip of the brightly coloured drink. The blueberry hyper vodka was the first to hit his tongue, mixed with grape and something else he couldn't quite put his oddly handsome yet still approachable Gallifreyan penis on. Whatever it was had him downing the drink in one go and asking for a second.

 

Missy seemed more than happy to oblige and giggled as he downed the second one.

 

“Did you-...did you put something in this?” He asked feeling slightly light headed. Even Hyper Vodka didn't hit that fast.

 

Missy smirked. “You know what they say...Timelords and ginger ale don’t mix but makes them great in bed.”

The Doctor gasped at the women as she winked and walked away, the leather of her suit squeaking as she went, a fluffy fake cat tail attached to her bum.

 

_“I want your love and I want your revenge, I want your love, I don't wanna be friends”_

 

Deciding he’d seen enough The Doctor chose to find food to help absorb the alcohol he’d now flooded his system with and made his way wobbly out of the ship towards his new mansion kitchen.

In there he found Amy and Rory with Gwen and her boyfriend sat by the main buffet table which was filled to the corners with fancy finger foods. To his right he found a table laden with Chinese take out and grabbed the nearest boxes of chow mein and a bag of prawn crackers turning and wandering past Amy with a ‘Hello’ eyebrow gesture as he stuffed them into his mouth.

 

He went looking for Bill, who according to some guy named Adam who was standing by the back patio doors (The Doctor was sure he’d killed that dude) was outside on the bouncy castle.

 

“BILL!” He shouted as he approached the 15-foot tall kinky pornstar painted and Tardis decorated bouncy castle. “I brought you food!” He called as the Bristol-born Prince T-shirt wearing Uni student climbed down from the inflatable.

 

“Hey, Doctor? How’s you and your minted Scottish bollocks?” She asked flopping into a plastic garden chair which toppled back so she was laying on the floor confused. But continued to eat her chow mein.

 

“What on Gallifrey does that mean?” He asked blinking.

 

“It means your rich ass, you idiot.” She replied smiling.

 

“I’m... losing my plot and probably my virginity” He snorted through a mouthful of noodles and Bill cracked into hysterics.

 

“You’re getting better at the slang I taught you.” She commented before Rose and Duplicate Ten appeared from inside the bouncy castle.

“Where the- How the fuck did you get here?” The Doctor asked as Rose settled on his lap and stole his prawn cracker.

 

“How do you think old man?” She smiled, biting the cracker before putting the other half back in his mouth. “Even grey, you're still hot”

 

The Doctor blushed and swallowed the cracker as she jumped up taking John’s hands. “We’re heading for the bar, you need anything?” She asked and Bill placed her order for another Time Lady cocktail. The Doctor rejected the offer but caught the kiss she blew in his direction.

 

He eventually helped Bill to her feet and they wandered back inside to join everyone else watching the battle of the Karaoke.

 

Donna went up first with her intense table dance version of The Cheeky Girls.

 

Jack and Ianto burst out a soulful rendition of Dancing Queen by Abba which ended up in kissing.

 

Kate, Captain Yates and Sergeant Benson gave a brilliant performance of 'Its Raining Men by the Weather Girls which ended with two half naked UNIT guards and The Brigadier making witty drunk comments about Benson's six pack.

 

But best of all, The Doctor and Missy burst out the greatest duo of all time singing Tubthumping by Chumbawamba and ad-libbing the lyrics so perfectly that they had everyone in the mansion singing along.

 

_“I get knocked down, but I get up again, you can never have the same body twice!”_

 

_“Oh Danny boy, Oh Danny boy, your girlfriend has the hots for me!”_

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was now approaching midnight and most of the companions had returned home via Tardis and Nardole or had retired to their rooms drunk as fuck like Danny had. Only Bill, Clara, Jack, Ianto, Clara’s Gran, Missy, Kate, Osgood and The Brigadier were still here and still somewhat sober enough for the private party.

 

As Nardole was busy clearing up in the kitchen, after the insane food fight that Donna had started with Astrid over who was better at singing the cheeky girls, they had all gathered in the main games room by the pool table.

 

“Okay so first up let’s play Spin The Bottle, Truth or Dare edition!” Jack announced as Ianto placed the large empty red wine bottle on the pool table in the middle of the circle.

 

“Ladies first” The Doctor suggested, gesturing Missy should spin it. She did so and it landed on Alistair.

 

“Brigadier, Truth or Dare?”

 

“Truth” He called and Kate whooped.

 

“When I first met you...you apparently said something nice about me in that suit, what is it that you said?” She asked with a smirk and the Doctor found himself chuckling.

 

The Brig rolled his eyes glaring towards the telltale Timelord before sighing. “I said you had a very feminine figure and it suited you.”

Kate wasn’t the only one laughing at Missy’s dirty wink across the table.

 

Alistair reached out and spun the bottle again. It landed on Bill.

 

“Bill, Truth or Dare?” He asked, smiling and picking up his whisky glass.

 

Bill thought for a moment, then called “Dare”

 

The Brig paused to think, then spotted the Doctor had discarded his boots... “I dare you...to remove the Doctor’s socks with your teeth!”

 

Bill didn’t look very pleased with the idea and The Doctor was suddenly adorably foot conscious as Bill came around the table and knelt down.

 

Once she had managed to complete the task without biting the Timelord, she then spun the bottle and it then landed on Jack.

 

“Jack! Truth or Dare” She bounced clapping.

 

“Dare me baby” Jack laughed cracking his knuckles and gaining a few ouuus.

 

“I...I dare you to...put the ice cubes from Alistair's whisky in your pants!”

 

The Brig was more than happy with the turn of this date and handed over his drink to the Captain who held open his trousers while Ianto dropped in the ice cubes.

 

“Ah! So cold!”

“Keep them in there, and Ianto can have sperm ice cream!” Missy cackled out loud making everyone cringe and grimace.

 

Jack quickly spun the bottle as the cube began to melt. It landed on The Doctor.

 

“Doc, Truth or Dare?”

 

“Don’t call me Doc and ...dare me”

 

Everyone went quiet. What could you dare a Time Lord? Jack was unsure what to say until Missy whispered in his ear.

 

“Oh god yes! Doctor I dare you to take the Tardis to the top of Big Ben and piss off the tower!”

 

The Doctor shook his head smirking and casually wandered away to his beloved ship as the others remarked that he wouldn’t dare and Kate threatened to fire him if he did.

 

The Tardis left, Jack and everyone dashed to the nearest TV and turned it to the news.

 

‘PRESIDENT OF EARTH ON TOP OF BIG BEN’

 

“Oh my god he’s going to do it!” Bill exclaimed as she watched the Time Lord waving at the helicopter and then unzip his trousers.

 

“Ou! Nice cock, I chose well!” Missy commented as the camera zoomed in on the Time Lord’s dick and then shot back when he aimed at them.

 

‘PRESIDENT OF EARTH, URINATING OFF THE TOP OF BIG BEN’

 

“Golden showers for all.” The Doctor shouted over the news commentator, making everyone in the room burst into hysterical fits of laughter including Kate and The Brigadier.

 

“I need more whisky.” Alistair eventually said and made for the kitchen.

Nardole wasn’t too happy at seeing his master suddenly on the screen flashing his privates to everyone who was awake at that time. “You lot are bad influences.” He said, pointing to each person in the room before landing on Missy. “You’re worst of them all...seriously...pissing off of Big Ben. What next...naked Twister?” He grumbled, waddling away.

 

The Doctor eventually returned to a room full of ‘Doctor’ chanting and spun the bottle. “Clara! Truth or Dare?” He asked with a dirty smirk still too pleased with his earlier antics.

 

“Dare me.” She giggled.

 

“I dare you to make out with Bill for thirty seconds.” He barked, laughing and taking the proffered drink from The Brig and downing it in one.

 

“Did you put ginger ale in this whisky?” He asked with a grimace.

 

Alistair shook his head innocently and The Doctor turned to Missy. “Did you spike all the drinks with ginger ale?”

 

Missy just patted his arm lovingly and leant into his side. “We still need to consummate this marriage.” She whispered.

 

“Do I need to be drunk for that?” He frowned confused.

 

But Missy’s response was cut off as Bill and Clara started making out.

 

Once recovered from the ‘longer than 30 seconds but only felt like 10’ make out session she had with Bill. Clara made a joke about how this was becoming a seriously twisted game and everyone would end up naked.

 

“NAKED TWISTER”

 

Everyone froze and looked to the supposedly, innocent to fuck, old woman sat beside a surprised Clara.

 

“We need to play naked twister!” Her Gran declared again eyeing up Jack and The Doctor.

 

“Sounds like a great Idea!” Jack smiled, jumping into action and making for the Tardis to get a twister mat.

 

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this.” Kate sighed, making for the cocktail bar next to the sofa where her father had plonked himself smirking and just watching the youngsters’ nonsense.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Soon enough a large twister mat was laid out on the floor and most had discarded any over loose clothing like jackets or jumpers. Jack was in nothing but his underwear, Ianto’s brain was mush, Clara’s gran was very pleased with the view she had of his bum and Bill was mentally confirming to herself why she DIDN’T do men.

 

Seeing as only, Jack, Ianto, The Doctor, Missy and Clara were up to play, they were the only ones in the room while Kate, The Brig, Nardole and Bill had moved out onto the patio by the pool to relax.

 

The Doctor stretched himself out and watched as Osgood flipped the coin for the toss of who would go first.

 

“The Doctor and Clara...” Osgood confirmed and took her seat to watch beside Clara’s gran.

 

“Going down Mr Stick insect” Clara teased flinging her bra at his face and momentarily blinding the poor sap who flailed like a goldfish before Missy pulled the silk off his head.

 

The Doctor blushed as he began unbuttoning his shirt. He could literally feel Missy’s gaze burning into his back.

 

Once down to their skids, *Missy was adamant no-one but she would be allowed to see The Doctor’s dangly bits without getting a sharp pointing stick in the eye* they started the game.

 

“Left foot, blue.” Missy called out, letting her own acquired Scottish accent practically leave her body and become pornographic.

 

“Right Hand, green.”

 

Clara grabbed the Time lord’s spot and she earnt a 1000 watt frown.

 

“Right foot, Yellow.”

 

The Doctor went for Clara’s spot, making her lean under his body to reach the next one.

 

“Left hand, Red.”

 

The Doctor had to flip himself into an awkward crab position to reach the red leaving Clara trapped beneath him. He earnt playful nip to his bum for the move which was currently in her face.

 

“Right hand, Red.”

 

Clara had to push for the red, stealing the closest from the Timelord but she didn’t anticipate him turning back over and was left furiously blushing when the outline of his cock was left almost resting on her chin.

 

“Right Foot, Blue.”

 

This was the end for Clara as she tried to turn herself, toppling the Doctor as she went and leaving them in a giggling heap on the floor.

 

“Jack and Ianto…” Osgood announced after another coin flip.

 

Missy was enjoying herself too much to join in now that she was sat in an ‘almost’ naked Doctor’s lap. Happily feeding him more ginger ale spiked hyper vodka.

 

It turns out Jack was indeed very flexible, Ianto not so much, but when the game suddenly took an interesting turn and Ianto was left on his back beneath a smirking Jack, only the Doctor had the balls to ask what happened next.

 

“Damn, Jack I didn't know you could do the worm?” He finally slurred when he heard Clara’s Gran cheering Jack on.

 

Missy lifted her head from The Doctor’s shoulder and rolled her eyes. Osgood and Clara just watched on with a mixture of horror and arousal.

 

“He's not doing the worm...they’re having sex on the mat.” Missy commented casually running her hand through his soft curls and leaning in to kiss the heavily tipsy Time Lord.

 

“Sex?” The Doctor asked looking confused. “That looks very much more wormy to me…”

 

Missy sighed and pulled him to his feet, “Humans do it like dogs, they don’t know the fun way...come on let’s go show em how we do it...the living room should be empty…” She winked, dragging him stumbling behind her.

 

“I don’t want empty...I need- you need my baby before you get my money.” He smirked blinking through the drunken haze and leaning on the door frame as she began to strip off the last of her clothes.

 

“I have your babies...come on, look, just in here” She teased, crooking a finger at a now curious Doctor who walked right into a trap, the door shutting firmly behind him.

 

At the sound of the door banging, Bill reentered the room only to scream and run away covering her eyes, she slammed into Nardole who proceeded to fall backwards onto the patio, the jolt causing his head to fall off.

“Bugger” He huffed loudly as his head rolled under the side table and Bill was left gawping at his now dismembered body.

The Brig merely glanced under the table, raised an eyebrow and went back to his conversation with his daughter without comment.

 

“What’s going on?” Nardole asked as Bill screwed his head back on and then pushed him into the games room to witness the display.

 

“Oh are we having a dance off? I like that move…” Nardole laughed as the door to the living room slammed open and a half dressed Time Lord stumbled out donning his shades and making for the outdoor pool.

 

The Doctor looked about, whipped out his sonic, *God knows where that had been, he had no pants on* and pointed it to the ship.

 

“Let me show you, humans, how we do it” He smiled.

 

The doors flung open and the disco lights started, foam began to spray out of the doors and Flo Rida ‘Elevator’’ started playing from the speakers.

 

In a blink, everyone was outside and watching the Time Lord throwing money into the air and dancing.

 

Bill pulled out her phone and started vlogging. “SHAKE IT, DOCTOR!!” She yelled, admiring his random mix of new age disco and dad dancing.

 

“When did you install foam cannons?” Kate laughed out loud as Osgood dived into a mountain of foam that was building in the pool, splashing The Brig who merely shielded his whisky and then flicked the foam off his arm at his daughter.

 

“Just call me Uncle!” The Doctor shouted in reply as Clara began to twerk against him.

 

“Regrets, Katey?” Alistair smirked over the rim of his glass and took a swig before placing it safely down and followed her to the decking.

 

“None.” She smirked back, donning her shades and earning a cheer from Osgood in the pool as she took to the dance floor.

 

When Jack had finally put on some underwear, he and Ianto joined them, dancing and vlogging in the lights and foam into the early hours of the morning.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**_#The Next Morning#_ **

 

 

Amy and Rory and the UNIT pair, Yates and Benson had joined the group the next morning for breakfast in the kitchen.

The Doctor sat with his head against the table hungover to fuck, a bucket on the floor and a cup of a coffee and a banana beside him.

Bill wasn’t faring much better as she lay out on the dining room table with a wet towel over her face.

Clara was snuggled into Danny’s side clutching a cup of peppermint tea looking like she’d been dragged through a hedge backwards, hair wild and shirt buttoned wrongly.

 

Jack and Ianto seemed to be fine, Kate was regretting a few things finally, to The Brigadier’s satisfaction. Meanwhile, Osgood was busy helping Nardole with the cooking. They hadn’t noticed Clara’s gran was missing.

 

They’d just started plating up the bacon sandwiches when Missy finally stumbled into the room, looking for all the world thoroughly shagged out and as pale as a vampire.

 

“I think I’m pregnant.” She grumbled, shooting a glare at the hungover Doctor before proceeding to vomit in his bucket.

 

The Doctor perked up in confusion then grinned. “Just call me Daddy then!” He said before wincing at the volume of cheers that filled the room.

 

The cheers lasted but five seconds when everyone realised who they were cheering for and it went dead silent.

 

Ianto coughed awkwardly in the background as Nardole plodded past, carrying a spray bottle and cloth muttering about ‘Galifreyan banana cream stains’ on the furniture.


	4. Moon Cheese and Parking Tickets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor wants away from earth for the afternoon, so grabbing Bill, Donna and Amy he heads for nowhere else but... THE MOON!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder...this is crack.

**2 days later**

 

 

“Was it a good idea to leave Missy in Tuscany?” Bill asked as she sat with Amy and Donna while The Doctor walked around the console cleaning it down with a cloth. 

 

The Doctor smirked. “Don’t worry, she’s got a house to decorate and half a million to blow, she’s still not over the fact I actually got her pregnant either, so she’ll prefer to be where it’s quiet.” 

 

“Only you, Doctor, could knock a woman up the first time!” Donna sniggered, pouring herself another cup of tea.

 

“So...a picnic on the moon?” Amy asked excitedly and all three women looked in the grey haired Time Lord’s direction.

 

“Yep, something relaxing, I have some new skin tight suits that will let us walk around and try some sick no gravity skateboard tricks!” He laughed, picking up the punk rock decorated and modified skateboard he’d brought. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Donna and Amy were in charge of setting up the automated Picnic bubble, complete with blanket, and sound system.

 

The Doctor and Bill went to mark out the best places to play on the skateboard.

 

“Watch this…” The Time Lord grinned, making a running jump into the air and pulling a double flip, landing with perfect grace in the dust.

 

“Show off!” Bill teased reaching for her phone to start a new snap chat story. The wedding after party vlog had already reached over 1 million views and she was hoping to break it with this trip. 

 

“Hi, Fans on Earth! It’s Bill again, with The President of Earth, hanging out on the moon today with our mates Donna and Amy, say hi you guys!” She spun the camera to video the other women who waved back in their fashionable black and red space suits. 

 

“We're just testing out some anti-gravity tricks, The Doctor has some really cool moon moves. Care to show us again, Time Lord?” 

 

The Doctor took this as a cue and took a running jump off the side of a deep crater, cartwheeling his way into a triple backflip and well timed full twist landing with such grace that he made Olympic gymnasts look like amateurs. Though they had gravity to deal with. 

 

“Not bad for two thousand is he folks!”

 

“Oi” The Doctor protested.

 

“Also vain...our President is very vain!” Amy stated loudly from behind Bill and all three women sniggered. 

 

“I don’t look a day past forty!” The Doctor remarked and Donna began laughing so hard Amy had to rush back to the Tardis for the oxygen tank. 

 

Picking up one of the skateboards Bill looked about. “Come on then Doctor, let’s get some tricks in before lunch I need to update your Instagram, you’re almost at nine thousand followers!”

 

The Doctor took the skateboard and made for one of the larger craters. “Just watch and learn pudding brains.” He smirked, swaggering over to the edge as Bill ran around the other side to join Amy and Donna to get a good view. 

 

“Come on Doctor, you're not going to go viral if you stand there all day!” Amy shouted over the mics and received a gloved middle finger in her direction. 

 

“Gimme a   D, 

GIMME A   O, 

GIMME A   K, 

GIMME A   T, 

GIMME A   A

GIMME A   R,

What does it spell? DOCTOR!!” All three chanted only for Bill and Amy to pause. 

 

“That's not how you spell Doctor…” Bill commented, giggling as Amy looked at the other ginger like she’d grown a second head.

 

“Well, that’s how I say it, so I spell it like that. Deal with it!” Donna sassed before yelling about stick insects towards the still hovering Time Lord.

 

With a deep breath, The Doctor dropped in and launched himself down the crater on the modified skateboard, performing a few rock and rolls before he flew himself into his first air move, which failed spectacularly upon landing and had him laid in the middle of the crater with the board flying off towards the girls. 

 

The three female companions screamed, diving to the floor from the projectile and winced as it crashed into the Tardis. The warning mother like groan she made at The Doctor was only made funnier by the way the Time Lord was splatted out on the ground. 

 

“Ow”

 

“I got a good air shot!” Bill announced showing Amy and Donna the picture before she posted it. 

 

“You also got a good view of his face when he came down!” Amy laughed at the next picture of the Time Lord, half screaming as he lost the board and came crashing back down to the moon due to the inbuilt gravity sensors in the suits.

 

“I think it’s time for something to eat, looks like you need a good sugar boost before we try you on this again.” Bill smiled as The Doctor hauled himself out from the crater with a groan. 

 

“Is it just me…” Asked Amy as they started to eat. “Or do some of these rocks look...odd?” She asked, touching one only to find it felt squishy. “Oh EW!”

 

The Doctor paused in munching his cream cheese and nutella sandwich. “That is odd...there’s no life on the moon.” He muttered prodding the offending rock and then cocking his head.

 

“Donna pass me a knife” He asked and she handed him the one from the basket. 

She was about to ask him what he was going to do when he stuck it into the odd rock and cut it up.

 

“Doctor!” Bill gasped as he sniffed at the piece of oddly white grey squishy rock that was on his knife. 

 

“Bill…pass me the crackers” He asked, dropping his sandwich on his plate and she did so. 

 

They all watched in fascinated horror as he spread the item on the cracker and then stuffed it into his mouth. 

 

“Oh my god” Donna grimaced looking away as Bill sniffed the rock herself.

 

“Doctor!” Bill gasped, realising and he nodded as he swallowed.

 

“IT’S CHEESE!” He announced and all three girls started laughing.

 

“You can’t be serious, that crater you were just in was rock!” Donna asked looking over to where they’d been playing on the board. 

 

The Doctor looked out through the picnic bubble and pursed his lips. 

“Perhaps not all of it is made of cheese?” 

 

“Well there’s only one way to find out,” Amy said proudly holding up the bag of crackers and Bill grabbed a knife. 

 

Quickly putting away the rest of their lunch they wandered out to see if they could find more moon cheese rocks. 

 

“I’m not seeing any.” Bill said as she kicked the grey and seemingly rocky ground. 

 

“Hang on I need something” The Doctor announced moon bouncing his way back to the Tardis he returned with a bucket and shovel.

 

Donna was very confused as to why the Time Lord had suddenly wanted to build sandcastles, but he’d always been unpredictable. 

 

“Look!” He shouted lifting up a chunk of the rock on his shovel and revealing the squishy cheese inside.

 

“Oh my God, the rock is like...is like...the wax on that expensive cheddar!” Bill smiled as Amy had a brainwave.

 

“Moon cheese? Oh my god we’ll be rich!” She cheered only for the Doctor to announce he was already rich.

 

“No harm in being richer Doctor!” Donna laughed as she held up the bucket. “Fill it up, we can sell it for hundreds of pounds a piece and tell em you brought it from some fancy planet in another galaxy so no one tries to nab our supply!!” 

 

And so they proceeded to fill up as many buckets as they could find in the Tardis with the moon cheese, taking plenty of selfies of eating the stuff on crackers and hashtagging it on Instagram with #$MOONCHEESE$ 

 

“What do we call it?”Amy suddenly asked as she finished a packet of crackers. “It’s not like cheddar” 

 

“Silton?” The Doctor pondered only to get three shaking heads.

 

“Camembert?” he asked again to only get Donna’s disapproval. 

 

“It’s like...an odd combo of goats cheese with a gorgonzola!” Bill finally said after another mouthful. “Not the best, but there are some serious cheese lovers that might like it.”

 

“It does have a ...bite.” Amy admitted grimacing at a really strong bit. 

 

As they carried back all the buckets to the ship they suddenly noticed a ticket on the door. 

“PARKING TICKET?!” The Doctor shouted in indignation. “WHO THE HELL GAVE ME A PARKING TICKET?” He yelled, spinning around to find the culprit and proceeding to check the nearest craters all whilst grumbling obscenities about fucking sneaky alien cheesy moon bandits. 

 

They popped back to UNIT on their return and dropped off the cheese.

 

“Moon cheese! How absurd” The Brigadier scoffed standing from his desk to admire the bucket The Doctor had just dumped on his desk. 

 

“Seriously, Brigadier it’s not bad, bit odd, but we can sell it!” The Doctor laughed, offering some to both Kate and Osgood before holding up a cracker and cheese to the man’s face.

 

With a huff, the Brigadier took the biscuit and cautiously ate it. 

 

“Hmmm...I believe Miss Potts is correct it is a little...goaty…” He commented swallowing hard. “Not to my taste but perhaps this could sell” The Brig agreed looking to his daughter who just shrugged.

 

“You can’t label it moon cheese can you?” Osgood asked nibbling her own sample before placing it down on the plate again.  

 

“We decided to call it Gorgallifrey” Amy announced with a smile. “Best not to let anyone know it came from our moon.”

 

“Well, Thank you, Doctor, I guess this means you do earn your next paycheck, even though this was not your objective, did you bother to bring those new rock samples for NASA at all?”

 

The Doctor pointed at the bucket. “The rock is the wax…” 

 

The Brig’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “Oh...you...you mean the whole things is…”

 

“A giant fucking grey wheel of holey cheese?...YEP!” 

 

The Doctor was very proud of his find and named Donna head of the cheese company. 

 

**Gorgallifrey cheese - It’s out of this world and approved by Time Lords!**


	5. Mr Seafood Poisoning and Mrs Fabric Samples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner for two? Or just one for the loo?   
> and is green really a good idea for that bedroom Missy?

“Are you serious?” Missy asked quietly glancing over the rim of her new Givenchy shades at the people strolling past them on the sea front. 

“UNIT have asked you to test a seafood restaurant?” 

 

The Doctor flashed her a saucy wink over the rim of his Ray Bans. “Totally serious, free dinner, we can eat all we like because it’s not open to the public yet but this place is owned by a family of Zygons, so they’re wanting a couple that is robust and has a taste for fine dining.”

 

Missy snorted and stepped closer to his side clutching her brand new Marc Jacobs hand bag. 

“I don’t think your taste for Greek yoghurt, cornflakes with jam, and Nutella on everything is fine dining Theta” 

 

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun, we’ll be on TV after, being interviewed to promote the place, having a booked table for life and free champagne, don’t tell me that isn’t as good…” The Doctor smiled clapping his hands and wandering towards the menu which was posted in the window beside the OPENING SOON sign. 

 

With a sigh, Missy joined him to browse the menu before they went inside. 

 

“Greetings, Mr President, First Lady...how are you this evening?” Asked the oddly French accented human disguised Zygon waiter. 

 

“Just great aren’t we love?” Missy cooed making The Doctor cringe but smile back in response. 

 

“Let me show you...to your table” 

 

The waiter grabbed two menus and lead the way down the path between the tables towards a higher platform, the Doctor let Missy go first up the few stairs and took out her seat for her on the ‘Private’ Balcony. 

 

The Doctor noted only 3 tables on this platform and asked the waiter about it. 

 

“Oh these are the private tables, sir, one for the Prime Minister of Great Britain, one for Honored Guests and this is yours.” He said placing the menus gently in front of them both. “Now what can I get you to drink?”

 

The Doctor flipped the menu to browse the wine list. “Fancy a red?” He mused to Missy who pursed her lips. 

 

“A bottle of Pinot Noir sounds like a great idea” She smiled casually enjoying the view of her husband in the low light of the restaurant. The windows were blacked out and one way so the bright afternoon sun was not ruining the beautifully decorative lighting of the restaurant. 

 

They watched as the waiter wandered away to the large wall rack of wine and plucked a bottle from the top shelf and reaching for the glasses. 

 

“You should wear check more often.” She commented once he was out of ear shot, licking her lips at the sight of the Doctor’s new suit. She leant over the side of the table to admire his thighs. “Definitely, should wear checks more often...meow” she smirked devilishly making a claw motion as the Doctor shuffled nervously in his seat.

 

“Wh-What starter do you fancy?” he coughed “I’m thinking to try the fruits der meir” 

 

The waiter returned pouring the wine and then opening his note book. 

 

Missy pulled a face and lifted her glasses to her hair to view the other options. 

“I’m not a clam or oyster fan myself...I think I’ll stick to the safe zones, Salmon and Tuna Tartare” 

  
  


* * *

 

 

With the first course over and no more than a few comments about how salty The Doctor found the cockles and how the oysters were great aphrodisiacs, Missy was furiously denying to try anything off his plate for fear of seafood poisoning they moved on to the second course.

 

They both ordered the Lobster with a side order of thick cut chips to share. 

 

“You know, Lobster is a great boost for my fertility rates?” Missy smirked as she waved a chip at his face.

 

“You’re already pregnant” The Doctor sniggered. 

“I know but it’ll be good for others.” She winked back making the Doctor choke on a chip. 

 

“Are you going to be a good boy and help me pick some samples for the bedroom curtains, love?” She added with an air of pure and utter smugness.

 

The Doctor grimaced but nodded, anything to keep the pregnant Time Lady happy. He'd rather not have her tossing lamp shades at his head for not cleaning up after his wild parties never mind not helping decorate the house he'd bought. 

 

She might have only been 10 weeks in but she was definitely getting into the mood swings. 

  
  
  


They eventually passed on the dessert and finished their wine over a rambunctious discussion about the Doctor’s parking skills. 

 

As they left the restaurant and hailed the limo to drive them to the fabric warehouse Missy noticed the Time Lord beside her losing some colour. 

 

“Are you quite well Theta you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” She asked reaching up to touch his forehead. 

 

The Doctor nodded. “I just feel a bit over warm..” He muttered shrugging out of his wool coat.

 

“Well, of course, you would be it’s almost twenty degrees outside and you're wearing three layers!” She admonished going back to stare out of the window. 

 

The Doctor regained some colour when the car finally stopped and he stepped out for some fresh air. 

 

“I was thinking a royal blue for the second guest bedroom since your friends Amy and Rory seem to have commandeered it but the fourth bedroom definitely needs some green don’t you think?” She asked holding up different samples of fabric as they walked along the huge aisles of different materials. 

 

The Doctor just grumbled about it being too warm and continued to roll up his sleeves as she cooed over some gorgeous blood red silk that they MUST have in their bedroom. 

 

It wasn't until they stood by a big box of tartan samples that the Doctor’s face turned more green that the square of fabric Missy was holding.  

 

“Doctor...you don’t look so well…” She muttered worriedly before casually dropping the sample back in the bin. 

“I-I just….I erm I don’t think that...those oysters agreed with me.” He whimpered grasping his stomach and grimacing. 

 

“I doubt they're going to stay in there either are they?” She asked as his eyes went disturbingly wide and he dashed for the nearest bathroom. 

 

Missy decided just to continue buying her fabric whilst her baby-father-to-be, lost his bowels in a way in what she could only imagine to be very unflattering. 

 

After buying almost fifty thousand pounds worth of curtain fabric, bedding fabric, carpets and even shower curtain fabric she found herself calling for Kate to bring a UNIT Doctor to the store as well as fresh clothes. 

 

It wouldn’t be very presidential if said president of earth was seen walking out of a fabric store covered A) in vomit and B) with a huge diarrhoea stain down the back of his trousers. 

 

“I warned you,” she mused with a dirty smile as he collapsed finally clean clothed into the limo once more as the UNIT soldiers piled her fabric samples into a lorry. 

 

“Shut up.” He grumbled pulling his wool coat back on to hide his shivers. 

 

“Did you like the shower curtains at least?” She pursed flicking through a sofa catalogue. 

 

“Why? What’s so good about them?” He frowned only to have a picture slid across the seat to him. 

 

“Oh, penguins...now that is a good choice, my dear.” He half giggled earning a peck on the cheek from his to be ‘evil goddess baby mother’. 

 

“We should get some otters.” He mused as they drove off with the lorry in tow. 

 

“Maybe after the baby Theta...AFTER the baby.” 


	6. Dude! Where's My Brigadier?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh No Good Ol' Briggy is missing! What had The Doctor done with him?!!

**On a beach somewhere in Spain in the middle of summer**

 

“I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain!” The Doctor laughed while tossing 5-pound notes at Clara and Bill who were currently dancing in front of him to Nicki Minaj. 

 

The Tardis crew were enjoying a beach holiday in Spain after a rather rough adventure with the return of the Nestene Conscious. World leaders were left begging for the Time Lord to stop the creatures, as plastic factories, trash bins, to simple things like phone cases went mental killing people. Every major country offered to pay him and by the end of the crisis, the Time Lord found himself another 70 million pounds richer. 

 

Clara was very disappointed to lose her phone in the fuss, being attacked by her favourite I-phone case but was thoroughly cheered up when The Doctor turned up to give her a new custom i-phone from Steve Jobs in Tardis Blue. 

 

As they paused to watch the current beachball game between the members of Torchwood, his phone rang. 

“Helllloo?” He asked as Osgood held it to his ear.

 

“Doctor! It’s Kate, is my Dad with you?” She asked sitting at her desk back at UNIT HQ in London. 

 

The Doctor turned to look about but not spotting the Brigadier he suddenly recalled the errand he’d asked him to run.

 

“Oh, I forgot I sent him to get us food, I love takeaway.” He chuckled as he watched Jack faceplant the sand whilst diving to catch the ball. 

 

Kate scoffed. “You sent the HEAD of UNIT to get you takeaway food?”

 

“He suggested it!” The Doctor complained. 

 

“How long will he be?” She asked, hoping to catch him before her meeting. 

 

“Oh, erm, about an hour maybe - he took the Tardis.” 

 

Kate blinked. “Why does he need a Tardis to go to a takeaway, Doctor?”

 

“Because I sent him to erm...I forgot...Peru I think.” 

 

Kate smothered the shout she was about to make when her office door was opened. 

 

“Doctor, I swear to god if you loose my father in Peru I’ll change your card pin!” She hissed slamming the phone down making The Doctor laugh. 

 

Over an hour later there was no mention that her father had returned. Jumping in the presidential plane she flew down herself to Peru. After half an hour of searching for the Tardis on the radars, UNIT still had nothing and she was forced to phone the Time Lord again.

 

“Doctor, there’s no signal from your ship.” She sighed worried that her Father had been sent to some random planet named Peru and not the country. 

 

“Oh”

 

The Doctor walked out onto his hotel balcony and frowned when he didn't spot his ship in the parking lot. It was almost dinner time. 

 

“Huh...I wonder where’s he’s gotten to?” He mused, cutting the call and phoning his ship only to get the answering machine. 

 

He called Kate back immediately. “Where are you?” He rushed out looking about for his lamborghini keys and trying not to wake Clara who was currently passed out in bed from a ‘too much wine’ induced fuck-a-thon. 

 

“In Peru like you said!” Kate hissed. “We’ve been here ages and scanned half the country!” 

 

In that moment he walked into the adjoining room to find Torchwood playing Fifa’17 with some of his other companions. 

“What’s up Doc?” Jack asked pausing the game at the worried look on the Time Lord’s face. 

 

“We can’t find The Brig.” He announced and pursed his lips at the room full of worried faces. 

 

“Search party?” Rory suggested as Amy put down the popcorn bowl. 

 

The Doctor nodded and everyone jumped into action. 

 

Bill, Nardole and Toshiko stayed in Spain to search around in case The Brig had landed in the wrong spot.

 

Amy, Rory, Jack, Owen and Danny all made for America in the Doctor’s jet. 

 

Kate flew back to London in the Presidential plane to search around Britain. Whilst The Doctor, Clara and Donna took the UNIT modified helicopter to hover and search for ‘the ship’ as they called it. 

 

Even after 3 hours they still had no sign of The Brigadier and The Doctor was beggining to feel sick. 

 

But just as they came to land back in London, Osgood got a call. 

 

“Kate...it's your Dad…. he says did The Doctor want Fried or Boiled Rice?”

 

Kate blinked and turned to the Time Lord, in fact half the room did. The Doctor frowned confused then broke out into a smile. “OH! I meant PUDONG! I sent him for chinese food!” 

 

Jack rolled his eyes, as Ianto snorted. Bill just looked completely done with the Time Lord as Kate reached down to the sofa she was standing by and grabbed the nearest throw cushion to beat the crap out of him. 

 

“OW! I’m sorry...JE-KATE! THEY AT LEAST SOUND THE SAME!”

 

“The hell they don’t.” Donna commented telling one of the UNIT guards to call the world wide police search off.

 

A half an hour later after one Tardis trip, a very pillow beaten Time Lord finally stepped out onto the streets of Shanghai. 

 

It was only a short walk to the marina where they found The Brigadier with Missy onboard a huge party boat surrounded by masses of chinese food, dancers and half naked UNIT guards. 

 

Kate almost passed out in relief and was handed a pint of whiskey while The Doctor pounced on Alistair swearing to never send him out for food again.

 

“You forgot where you sent me didn't you?” He chuckled at the grey haired Time Lord as a guard brought them plates of sushi. 

 

The Doctor blushed as The Brigadier and Missy cracked up in fits laughter. “Oh you idiot!”

So the night went on, Team Tardis sat down to have dinner on the boat. Clara growing just slightly jealous of watching The Doctor and The Brigadier feeding each other sushi while Danny tried to pry her over to the dance floor. 

 

While down on the lower deck, Jack and Ianto took over the bar whilst Captain Yates and Osgood started a rather enticing strip show for Missy as the Time Lady threw more money in the air and the others sang the lyrics to Rihanna’s S&M. 

 

“Did you ever think our lives would get this insane Doctor?” Alistair asked as they lay together on the deck chairs staring up at the stars. 

 

“Hasn’t it always been?” He chuckled back earning himself a smirk. 

 

“I should have given you more money to begin with.” The Brigadier suggested thinking about how much more fun life was chasing aliens in between a millionaire’s lifestyle. 

 

“Naaaa...we wouldn't have had so much fun in Bessie then, would we?” The Doctor teased with a wink making Alistair glance around nervously. 

 

“Shut up you daft bat, if Kate hears you talking about...THAT, she’ll blow a fuse!” He chuckled leaning over the Time Lord who was back in a very well known white t-shirt and trouser combination. 

 

“Make me.” The Doctor teased only to lean up and kiss The Brigadier to wipe that smug look off his face. 

 

“DOCTOR!!”

 

They broke to see Clara standing on the deck beside Danny and Benton who both looked just mildly surprised to catch the pair so….close. 

 

“Bout Time…” Benton snorted earning a glare and a piece of sushi thrown at him as he helped Danny drag away his ‘apparent’ girlfriend. 

 

To be more than honest the Doctor was just ‘loaning’ Clara to him when he wanted some new action. He was a millionaire after all and humans were easily swayed when you pulled up in a half a million pound car offering high class dinner, wine and out of this Universe sex. 

 

He’d put something in her wine later and she’d be back all over him by morning. 

 

Till then he was content to resolve some of that unresolved sexual tension between him and his very dear Brigadier under the stars. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to suggest companions to bring in and hijinks they should get up to...planets to visit etc...


End file.
